Make-believe reality

Thesis Season

2007-03-05T04:38:00.000+08:00

I was supposed to take a power nap from 1 am to 1:15. I ended up sleeping for two hours. I guess that's all the sleep I can get for tonight (and it's not even night). Only 4 more weeks left, I can survive this. Haha I'm so optimistic. Well, I should be. Otherwise, I'm going nowhere.

We really really have to finish our 1st draft asap. Like, before 12 noon? Roro and I have so much else to do for our other subjects this week so it would be a great help to take thsis off our minds, even for just a week.

Anyway, I'm going to go back to thesis-ing now. I think I'm starting to have graduatio blues. Hay...

1 month

2007-03-03T10:19:00.000+08:00

Only one month left, and it's all over---the thesis work, sleepless nights, classes, papers, reports, exams. But in the meantime, I have to deal with the endless schoolwork. Kapag inaantok na ako at gusto matulog, I just say: WHY SLEEP NOW? I HAVE THE WHOLE MONTH OF APRIL FOR THAT. And it's just a month away. I can wait.

Almost 5 am

2007-02-27T04:25:00.000+08:00

It's almost 5am, I should be sleeping. I hate thesis season. It's going to end soon, but so will college. I'm starting to get all senti----reminiscing clueless freshie days, adjusting sophie days, happy haggard junior year, and stressful senior year. hahaha. I shouldn't be blogging now. It's almost 5am, I'm not thinking staright anymore. Have to get some sleep. More thesis to come tomorrow. I mean, later.

I'm trying to send my resume to ANC for an internship that I'm not sure I want. Well,there's no harm in trying to apply so...

In between analysis of Pinoy Dream Academy and Bituing Walang Ningning eps, Roro and I talked about what we want to do after college. Just a month ago, I was so sure I want to work for ABS right away. Now I want to take a break, start dancing again. It's so much harder to make decisions now. It's my future at stake. Hay I want to go back to my clueless freshie year.

I'm not sleepy, but my head is feeling weird. Have to rest. Like I said, it's almost 5 am, I shouldn't be blogging.

The Weekend Syndrome

2007-02-25T12:05:00.000+08:00

Basta umuwi ako sa Lipa, wala akong nagagawang schoolwork. Home is for rest, rest, and rest. I never learned. I keep telling myself that if I have plenty of work to do, wag uuwi kasi hindi magagawa. I never run out of things to do but I still go home once in a while (every 2-3weeks). I guess I need the rest. In a few hours, I'll be going back to QC. Then, I'll start working on my scripts and thesis.

Can't wait to graduate...or not

2007-02-06T18:55:00.000+08:00

Can I just fall asleep and wake up on graduation day? This way, I won't have to go through all the trouble of preparing a pre-prod organizer, shooting, and editing for BC 122. No cramming report and book reviews for PI 100. No textual analysis, no RRL, no methodology, no framework, and no production to worry about for thesis. No homework, groupwork, and orgwork to accomplish. No problems about staying awake for the night. No bugging my blockmates to pay their gradpic fees. No staying in QC for the weekend. No failed diet attempts due to bingeing over schoolwork. No freeloaders to deal with. No haggardness at all. I would absolutely love that.

But then, that would also mean no sleepovers, no bonding over ice cream after a successful prod, no screaming at the top of our lungs during the UP Fair, no field trip to Banahaw, no hanging out at the lobby in between classes, no spontaneous lunches in weird places, no jogging in the acad oval with ?health-conscious? blockmates, no impersonations of Sam Milby's funny accent...

O well. Despite the haggardness of my remaining months in college, I guess I really won't give it up for anything. So what if I don't sleep? So what if I don't have a life? Wait there... I do have a life. It's stressful and tiring and all that, but I love it. Well, not every second of it though.

So... when I say I want to graduate, I didn't mean I want college to end. I just want the schoolwork to end.

Life questions

2007-01-26T23:27:00.000+08:00

Saan tinatago ni Superman ang pinagbihisan niya? Hindi naman niya iniiwan sa phone booth di ba?

Bakit 'pag nagteteleport ang mutant na tao or nagtatransform into something (like water), hindi naiiwan yung damit?

Sinulat ko dati yung mga tanong ko tungkol sa maraming bagay, di ko lang matandaan kung nasaan na yung listahan na 'yun. Pag nakita ko 'yun, ipopost ko dito. Kaya lang baka di ko na makita yun, which brings me to another question: Bakit laging nawawala mga gamit ko?

Ay, di ko na pala dapat tinatanong yun. Ang sagot: kasi burara ako. So Keina, please, fix your life. Bukas, promise! Matutulog na ako (yihee wala pang 12midnight matutulog na ako) at simula bukas, di na ako matutulog hanggang I don't know when. Exaggerated yun of course, matutulog naman ako, siguro mga 5 hours... for the whole week. Hahaha.

Stress

2007-01-26T22:54:00.000+08:00

What is STRESS?

Stress is

...when you have work and you have time to do it but you don't do it because you just can't
...when you have work and you don't have time but you manage to do it (which means bye bye sleep)
...when you do the work you're not supposed to do because you are still accountable
...when your idea of a night out is coffee at Starbucks (w/ your gimik buddies aka readings)
...when your day ends with a sunrise
...when you go through the hassles of getting a permit only to find out you don't need one (or not getting one when you need it)
...when getting up to pee is already exercise
...when you dream of doing the things you were doing before you fell asleep
...when you don't fall asleep at all
...when you learn that your deadline has been extended (after you finished cramming your paper)

and

...when your pc hangs just after you have just finished a blog post

The dancer writes...

2007-01-16T13:49:00.000+08:00

I am not a writer. I have tried, but I was never as good as I hoped. And yet I insist on becoming one. I express myself best not through word but through movement; the smooth glide of my toes showing carefree abandon, the whip of my leg saying passion. I am creative not in stringing words together, but in connecting senseless movements into a meaningful dance. Words alone are not enough for me to bare my soul. I need dance to pour out my deepest emotions. And yet I have stopped dancing, and here I am writing words that may mean nothing to you. Dancing made both my body and soul weary, but it doesn't mean I don't want to dance anymore. I just need time. But then if I let time pass, I may not be able to dance again. I write about this desire of mine, but I do nothing. My body stopped dancing, but my soul did not. I need time. To think, to ponder on the things that matter to me. And then it dawned on me. I am a writer. The stage is my paper, my body is my pen, and movements are my words.

*** I wrote this during my PI class out of boredom hahaha.

Just a Face

2006-12-18T23:59:00.000+08:00

It's just a phase. We're just a face. Roro, Bebang, Michi, Angel and I have formed a band. But here's the catch: none of us know how to play our instrument. Except for Bebang, who plays lead guitar. Hahaha. One of our last semester goals...

I'm playing keyboards and I have no idea how i'm gonna pull this off.

We already had our first "practice" last week. It was fun, and i'm glad we did it cause it took my mind off things---stressful things.

I enjoyed data-gathering for our thesis. Now our problem is how are we going to analyze all that data. We can't even come up with a revised problem statement. o well, it's just a phase(haha).

Sleepless in Sunrise Hill

2006-12-18T23:41:00.000+08:00

Sleep? What sleep? I have no idea how far I can go with so little sleep. Shoots, editing, and internship has taken away my Christmas break. My sweet sleep has long been taken away by my BC 122 pre-prod. Our concepts were rejected twice(when the script was already finished). But I'm not complaining. I had fun during our shoots. Sobrang nakakatawa si Val at Belot. Naimmortalize na sila for all future broadcomm students to see in our switcher instructional video. Kapag sikat na sila at napanood yun ng mga future students, hahaha... "uy si val evangelista, sumasayaw ng push the button!"

Tomorrrow's officially my first day of internship. Yey! Yep, I was able to get an internship at Y-Speak. Woohoo! Umattend na si Diane ng prod meeting kanina and she had fun. Can't wait.

Gusto ko na umuwi!!!

I'm hyper and exhausted, as always.

Job Hunt

2006-11-22T20:43:00.000+08:00

Ang hirap maghanap ng internship. I think it's an indication of how harder it would be when I'm out looking for a real job.

All the slots for Probe are taken up already. But I think I'd like to go for an internship there even after I graduate.

ABS-CBN said they're not accepting any more interns this year. But I'm not giving up. Baka makalusot.

GMA is accepting interns. I'm not sure if I want to go there though. But I'm applying.

ABC 5 is also accepting. That's my last resort.

I hope I get a network before the month ends. Or I'm dead.

First Week High

2006-11-11T00:38:00.000+08:00

Kakatapos lang ng enrollment week/first week of classes. Kakaibang high ang dala sa kin ng week na ito, hindi ko alam kung bakit. Huling sem ko na 'to, so huling chance ko na 'to para matupad ang aking mga new sem resolutions. so far, maganda naman ang start. Malinis ang apartment namin, medyo nalinis ko yung clutter ko, nadfrost na ang ref, napunasan ang mga dapat punasan, nagising kami nang maaga para magjog...

Nakakapagod ang week na 'to pero for some reason, nahihirapan akong matulog sa gabi kahit inaantok ako. May pagkarestless din ako. Tanong niyo pa kay roro o kay michi, hindi ako makaupo sa isang lugar nang matagal. First week high lang siguro 'to. Sana yung first week high maging last sem high para happy.

Cleaning

2006-11-09T00:34:00.000+08:00

Cleaning is actually therapeutic. Today, I mopped the floors, wiped the counter top, cleared and cleaned my computer table, and defrosted the ref. Then I took a bath.

Clearing my clutter (that include the ones in our apartment and the ones in my mind) is actually the perfect way to start my sem.

I'm hyper and exhausted at the same time again.

But I'm happy.

...

2006-11-07T01:25:00.000+08:00

It's been one whole semester since I last danced. Well, I dance when I'm happy, but that's not counted. I never thought I'd be able to survive that long without dancing. But I did. And now, I want to dance again.

5 months without dance training is a long time, especially if you're a serious dancer. I miss one week of dance class, and I'm way behind. Now how am I going to catch up with that? I'm so out of shape.

The skills I practiced for years are practically almost gone. It's like starting from zero. When I was still dancing, I thought that there was no way I was going to stop. But I stopped. It wasn't easy. And starting again is just as hard.

I want to dance again. I just don't know how to start.

The Last Semester

2006-11-07T01:04:00.000+08:00

After 7 semesters of sleepless nights, crammed papers, headache-inducing exams, professors ranging from nice to terror to weird, radio and tv productions...

I'm finally down to my last semester. Meaning, if there are things that I want to do before I graduate that I haven't done yet, this is my LAST chance. Unless I'm delayed, which I'm not. I've been thinking during the sembreak of my goal/s for this semester. And I still haven't thought of one. Ok, there are a million things that I haven't done yet, but most of the things I wanted to do, I have done already. But that doesn't mean I'm contented. That's why I'm still thinking of my goal for the last semester. Any suggestions?

Anything goes...

2006-11-04T00:17:00.000+08:00

Just checked my grades. Happy! US ako yey! That is, kung walang mali sa grades ko. I couldn't believe it. I had to recompute my GWA several times before I finally convince myself. Haha.

I've put off gradcomm work for quite a while. But I'm back on track.

I always say I'm tamad. Maybe I am. Sometimes. I'm either super tamad or super hyper. And right now, super hyper mode is wearing off.

I'm meeting my high school friends tomorrow yey! I haven't seen some of them for a looooong time. Lots of catching up to do.

I need to watch Season 3 of House. Like, right now.

I miss you.

Deaths

2006-11-03T23:48:00.000+08:00

Life is weird, but death is weirder. Yesterday, my sister received different text messages from different people about the death of Bro. Rafe Donato, who was president of De La Salle Lipa during my high school years. I dismissed it as one of those terrible jokes. Then i started to receive the same text messages. I couldn't believe it. He can't just drown or disappear while swimming. This morning, the text was confirmed by a teacher when I went to La Salle with Arjae. Unbelievable. Bro. Rafe is one of those persons I have great respect for. I remember the few times I was able to talk to him. Watching news of his death on TV Patrol was worse than the text messages. The text messages treated him with dignity. The news just commodified him into another victim.

Another death reported on TV Patrol was that of Pinoy Dream Academy's EP. That wouldn't have bothered me if it happened a sem ago. Roro and I need to interview him for the PDA part of our thesis. Freaky.

.....If there's one thing that I'm really really really scared of, it's death.

Cleaner whales and mating dinosaurs

2006-10-30T13:15:00.000+08:00

I've been wanting to post since last wednesday but unfortunately, our pc just won't cooperate. Good thing napaayos na.

Our sem finally ended tuesday night. Happy. But not so. Why? Because it's my last. Haha I still can't believe I'm graduating next sem. I have no idea where I'll be going after grad. But that's about 6 months away. Still, that's too soon.

I don't know if it's just because of too much Grey's Anatomy and House, but I'm starting to want to become a doctor again. I decided a few years ago that it wasn't what I really wanted. I am happy with my course. It's just I'm starting to imagine myself as a doctor. After 4 years of broadcomm, there's no way I'm going to be a doctor. It's just too much Grey's and House. Right?

Roro and I got a 1.25 for our thesis proposal. Yey!!! After the happiness wears wears off,we have to start worrying about the thesis itself. But in the meantime, I'm celebrating. Woohoo!

Cleaner whales and mating dinosaurs might not mean anything to us. Why would we waste our time talking about cleaner whales(which don't really exist) and mating dinosaurs (which also happen to not exist)? My little cousins, though, talk about them with so much passion. Children. I always find myself wishing I'm a kid, worrying about nothing except, perhaps, cleaner whales. But hey, I do't have o be a kid to be like a kid. I am 20 years old, but I am still a kid, and I do care about cleaner whales and mating dinosaurs.

Exam? What Exam?

2006-10-22T23:18:00.000+08:00

I fell asleep when I should've been studying. On second thought, I should be sleeping. Sembreak na, technically. But since I chose to take up an Avecilla class this sem, I should've been prepared for an exam on a holiday after classes has long ended.

I watched the whole first season of Grey's Anatomy the whole day instead of studying. It was way more fun to do after weeks of haggardness. I'll sutdy later. Ok. Tomorrow.

Basta before I sleep tonight, I'll make sure I arrange my readings by chapter. Promise.

I need to stop bumming around. For some reason, when I'm home in Lipa, I just can't study. I go home to relax, not to study. So there. I'll get back to reality when I'm back. In the meantime, I'm sleeping.

Bakla, Bakla, Paano Ka Ginawa?

2006-10-20T01:16:00.000+08:00

Gumagawa kami ni Roro ng docu tungkol sa batang bading. Yung una naming gustong palabasin ay kung bakit ba mayroong mga batang nagpapakita na ng kabaklaan as early as 4 or 5 years old. Biological ba ito o dahil ba sa mga factors sa environment? Pero after ng shooting at masinsinang pag-iisip, iba ang naging perspective ng docu namin.

Tanggap na nga ba ang mga bakla ngayon? Sa Pilipinas, di sila masyado discriminated compared sa ibang bansa na may hate groups pa. Mataas ang tolerance ng mga tao sa mga bading dito sa Pilipinas, pero that doesn't mean na fully accepted sila. Maganda yung point ng sociologist na nainterview namin. May cetain space lang daw na binibigay sa mga bakla. Parang accepted sila sa ilang professions pero pag sa mga trabaho na traditionally panlalaki,hindi talaga.

Ano ba ang tamang term para sa kanila? Bakla? Bading? Binabae? Parang walang tama e. Kahit ano ang gamitin namin, parang may sense ng pangungutya. Or baka masyado ako lang ang naglalagay ng meaning na 'yun?

Naisip ko lang, bakit ba importanteng malaman kung bakit may bakla o paano nagiging bakla ang isang tao? Para ba mapigilan ito? Sa bagay, for understanding din. Pero di ba mas magandang tignan at intindihin yung effect kaysa sa cause?

Mas open na nga ang society ngayon para sa mga bakla, pero up to a certain level lang. Naniniwala ako na may discrimination pa rin, hindi lang masyadong halata.

Bakit ganoon? Mas katanggap-tanggap pa ang mga babaeng gumagawa ng trabahong panlalaki kaysa sa mga baklang gumagawa ng trabahong panlalaki? Unfair talaga ang mundo.

Havana Nights

2006-10-19T02:23:00.000+08:00

Mas masaya pala talaga mag-KTV pag kumanta ka. For the longest time, di ako usually kumakanta sa ganun unless may pumilit sa akin kasi wala akong talent sa pagkanta. Naisip ko lang na yun nga ang purpose ng KTV/videoke, para makakanta ang mga tulad ko hahaha.

Special ang Havana KTV sa block namin. Maraming nagsisimula dito, at mayroon ding nagtatapos.

Inaantok na ako. Dapat lang, umaga na e. Bukas, docu mode na ulit. Panandaliang escape lang ang Havana sa looming concepts ng final docu at final exam.

More Today Than Yesterday

2006-10-19T01:47:00.000+08:00

Warning: this is a very mushy post. hahaha

I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.

I'll never forget that long conversation on the rooftop last Tuesday. I've never been more honest in my whole life.

There are a lot of things I hate about you. Your being too carefree to the point of being reckless. Your habit of being late (not as much as before though). Your not taking things seriously enough. Your slippers. Your different way of thinking. Your metaphors which are sometimes hard to understand. But for all the things I hate about you, I love you more.

unBROKE

2006-10-19T01:42:00.000+08:00

nakakatawa. di pala ako broke after all. akala ko sa friday ko pa makukuha allowance ko, yun pala nung friday pa nakadeposit. hahaha.

BROKE

2006-10-17T01:08:00.000+08:00

Mayroon na akong New Sem resolution kahit hindi pa tapos ang sem na 'to: magtitipid na ako. Or at least I'll try to keep track of my expenses. Iv'e never been so broke. Sa Friday ko pa makukuha allowance ko eh i have, like, around 100 pesos left. Di ko tuloy makuha yung laundry ko sa shop. Kawawa naman ako. But come to think of it, it's partly my fault, di ko kasi nababantayan gastos ko. Pero partly lang, kasi magastos talaga 'tong sem na 'to. (haha may disclaimer pa).

Being broke made me realize a lot of things--- one: I should be more careful in spending money, two: I should be more careful in spending money, three: I should be more careful in spending money, four: mahal talaga ako ni bam. hahaha... seriously, di ako dapat maawa sa sarili ko dahil wala akong pera. I will survive. At pag nakuha ko na ang allowance ko sa friday, i will celebrate!

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Ang tagal ko nang hindi umuuwi sa Lipa. Gusto ko nang umuwi! Uwi dapat ako sa wednesday pero parang hindi ata possible. bahala na.

********************************

Mid-October na, 'di pa rin tapos requirements ko. I'm not complaining though. Sobrang bait ni Sir Deo for giving us another extension for our docu. Speaking of docu, wala pa kaming script. Matutulog na lang ako, baka mapanag-inipan ko pa.

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Wala na akong isusuot bukas at since di ko maclaim laundry ko, good luck! I will find a way and I promise you THAT!

DEADlines

2006-10-01T23:04:00.000+08:00

Oct. 9- deadline ng docu at thesis proposal
Oct. 13- deadline ng film 110 plates
Patapos na ang sem, pero di ko pa makita ang katapusan ng schoolwork. Kahit ano 'ata ang gawin ko, i'm doomed to cram. haggard. kelangan pa namin magpalit/alterr ng docu topic ni roro due to circumstances beyond our control. tapos yung thesis proposal namin, wala pa kaming nasisimulan sa revisions. tapos may topak pa yung slr cam ko na ginagamit ko sa film 110. paano ko matatapos ang 12 plates before oct. 13??? i'm sooooo DEAD...

Magpapagradpic na ako sa saturday. Kelangan ko na talaga tanggapin na malapit na akong grumaduate. After kong mag-observe sa taping ng Bituing Walang Ningning, parang ayaw ko na magtabaho sa TV network. Na-depress pa nga ako for a while dahil parang naging pointless lahat ng pinag-aralan ko. Pero feeling ko lang yun. Hindi man clear ang direction ko ngayon, I know I'm going somewhere.

Hinalungkat ko 'yung mga lumang souvenir programs ng mga recitals ko with Steps to look for ideas for my creative shot. May idea na ako ng gusto kong gawin. The problem is, kaya ko pa bang gawin 'yun? Ilang months na akong walang conditioning. Paano kaya ko makakapagsplit sa ere eh kahit ata sa floor 'di ko na kaya? di bale, i have one week to work on it. sana lang enough na yun.

Tinatanong ako ng nanay ko kanina kung ok na raw ba ako sa course ko. Nabring up kasi ng mommy ni roro nung wednesday 'yung reklamo ko dati na bakit si arjae pinayagan mag-music tapos ako hindi(gusto ko mag dance major nun). Kung wala ako sa broadcomm, wala akong konsepto ng Making "Love" , walang out-of-towns at Havana nights with blockmates, at 'di ko nameet si bambam(yihee ang korny). Narealize ko na kung naging mas mapilit lang ako (like arj), baka pinayagan din ako. Basta kasi sabihin sa akin nun na iba na lang, sige sunod na lang ako.

Naaalala ko na naman yung lahar experience namin 11 years ago. dahil sa pagcocomemmorate namin ng pamilya ko sa incident na 'yun, nakalimutan namin na birthday din nga pala ng tito ko ngayon. Anyway, naalala ko lang bigla na habang nag-aalala mga magulang ko noon sa bahay at mga gamit namin habang umaakyat ang tubig, namomoroblema ako sa pencil case ko na naiwan ko sa kwarto ko. Nakakatawa. 'Pag bata talaga, mas simple ang problema.

Floods

2006-10-01T00:00:00.000+08:00

Yey! I finally have a blog, thanks to arjae. This is actually her gift for my birthday, which was about 2 months ago. hehe...

Can't think of a word that would describe the past week. It's a wonder how so much work, fun,mistakes, lessons, accomplishments, laughs, and tears can be crammed in a week...

Monday...
I edited my 3-minute audio-visual autobiography for broadcast advertising class. It was fun watching myself dance as a kid. I miss dancing though. Haven't really danced for months now.

Tuesday...
I had fun watching my classmates' autobiographies. It's amazing how 30 people in a single class can come up with different ideas...

Wednesday...
Making "Love" launch. It felt so good to make the audience laugh or respond to the show. Check out our website at www.makinglovetv.tk.

Thursday...
Milenyo strikes Sunrise Hill. Woke up at 12 nn only to find our apartment wet with rainwater. Roro, Michi, and I had to move some of our stuff to the hallway because of the mini-flood. And we were on the 4th floor!!! Our planned rest and relaxation turned out to be an afternoon of trying to get all the water out of our apartment. We were totally helpless against the force of nature so we just decided to make the most out of our situation---it was the perfect time to give our floor a nice scrub. It was exhausting, but the experience left us laughing in the evening. The Sunrise Adventures...

Friday...
Still no electricity. And no water too. Plus, batt empty. haha, what else could happen?

... It's October 1, exactly 11 years since the storm Mameng struck us. I was 9 years old then, totally oblivious to the gravity of the situation. Arjae and I were making paper boats while everyone else were trying to save what they could. We were watching from our neighbor's window while our parents crossed the currents. We were sleeping soundly on the roof while the grown-ups stayed awake under the rain, trying to figure out how to escape. It was my lolo who saved us. He managed to swim to where we were using banana trunks as floaters. Using the trunks, my father and the other men made a balsa which saved everyone. It has been 11 years but the memory is still vivid. I don't see it as a tragedy, I never did. It was an experience. Not a lot of people have slept on the roof during a storm and survived without outside help.

so there... I have a lot to accomplish this week, but Milenyo froced me to take a much needed break. Which is not really a bad thing. Come to think of it, the Sunrise flood is actually fun to look back to.